what’s the matter mishlek? September 28, 2008

 Its almost 2AM, Philippine time that is and still very much wide awake.

 My duty was till 9pm but I went off a little bit earlier to attend to a birthday party that I now just realized I wasn’t able to greet the celebrator.  Imagine that!  I am pretty much embarrassed by the thought of it.  My bad, really!  Good Lord what’s happening to me?  What a day or it should be what a week!  Yap! I am not much of myself these past few days.  I am getting more matampuhin and makulit too, as what he says.  Or maybe it is a sign of early menopausal stage? Naah!  I am still young for that.

“Burn out”… that’s what I’ve been feeling these past few days.  I am getting tired of the monotonous way that I am having every single day.    He says I am getting over too sentimental on small things.  No I am not! Okay, maybe I am, a little perhaps.  But for me everything matters, even the small ones.   And these past few days I do feel like I am the “small one” and I don’t matter at all.

Pagninilay… July 29, 2008

 

Ang sikip ng mundo. Parang ang hirap gumalaw. O ako lang ba talaga ang nasisikipan?

 

Sabi nila, masaya mamuhay sa mundo. Napakapalad. Kasi nga naman, marami dyan ang ni hindi na nasikatan ng araw. Marami dyan ang saglit lang, umalis din. Samantalang ako, matagal tagal na din ang itinatagal ko rito sa mundong ibabaw. Pero bakit ganun? Parang hindi masaya?

 

Aaminin ko, may mga ’saya’ moments naman ako. Marami yun. Pero ganun talaga e, mas naa-outweigh ng ’sad’ moments. Haay. Napaka pesimistiko ko na naman.

 

Test lang daw ito. Pagsubok – Mas marami pang dadating na mas malala pa ito. Nasa sayo na lang kung pano mo ito titignan. Kung pano mo ito haharapin. Ito tanong ko: Kung sugatan ka na ba sa naunang laban, mas nanaisin mo pa bang suungin ang ikalawa?

 

Ako siguro hindi. Bawat ’sad’ moment sakin kasi may tatak. Kumbaga may imprint na sa utak ko. Sabi ko nga, kung kaya ko lang warakin ang sarili ko. Palitan ko ulit ng bago gagawin ko. Matanggal ko lang ang mga pangit na alaala at mga gawi ko. Para kasi akong kabinet. Kada bilang ng araw inaagiw. Naluluma.

 

Ewan. Gusto kong lumayo muna. Mapag-isa. Mag-isip kung ano ang nangyari bakit nagkaganun. Gusto kong linisin ang sarili ko, sa labas at sa loob. Gusto ko malinaw ang pag-iisip ko.

 

Gusto ko Magnilay.

 

 

 Pulot ko ito sa hindi ko na matandaan kung saan.  Sa una, hindi ko napigilan makaramdan ng lungkot para sa kanya.   Naalala ko kasi minsan sa isang chapter ng buhay ko iisa kami ng nararamdaman. 

 

Totoo! Nagnilay din ako sa isang malayong lugar… sa parte ng Visayas ako napadpad.  Isang isla na walang ilaw kada ika-sampu ng gabi hanggang ika-anim ng umaga.  Ibang-iba sa kinalakihan ko at nakagawian.  Inisip ko baka sakali duon magawa kong hanapin ang sarili ko… baka sakali duon mahilamusan ng tubig- dagat ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.  Pero hindi ako nagtagumpay, dahil sa tinagal tagal ko duon umuwi ako na “AKO” pa din.  Ang “Ako” na kaya harapin ang bawat pagsubok na darating.  Ang “Ako” na meron tiwala sa sarili at higit sa lahat me tiwala  sa “Kanya”.  Dahil siya ang me alam ng kung ano ang mas makakabuti at nararapat.  Duon ko lang nalaman walang dapat hanapin, wala naman nawawala.  Ako ay ako pa din pagdating ko sa “Maynila”.

 

Playing the Peace game July 13, 2008

 An elderly man watched some six and seven yrs old at play, and asked,”what are you playing?”

“War,” they said.

So he told them, “How can anyone be so stupid as to play war?  You all surely know how horrible war is.  Why dont you play peace instead?”

The children stopped, put their heads together, discussed something among themselves, then looked puzzled and finally ran out of words.  One of them then asked the elderly man, “Grandpa, how do we play peace?  We don’t know the game.”

 

I don’t know either; play the game “peace” I mean.  With that I just can’t help thinking of what happened last week at work.  Maybe even my colleagues don’t have any idea of what the game “Peace” is all about.  It’s like everyone is right and no one admits being wrong.  I asked myself now, am I insisting in just being right and not just simply admitting that I can be wronged once in a while?  Am I too proud to admit mistakes?  Maybe I am or maybe I’m not.  I really don’t know. 

The past weeks at work is indescribable, “toxic”… too busy in planning and playing the game “war”.  Trying to outweigh each other, too busy finding faults than emphasizing good work.  We work together so how come we can’t be fair with one another?

Sometimes it’s hard to be human and not knowing how to be one.

Is it fair? June 25, 2008

I thought about all this & tried to understand it.  I saw that HE controls good people & wise people & what they do, but no one knows if they will experience love or hate.  Good & Bad people end up the same– those who are right & those who are wrong, those who are good & those who are evil, those who are clean & those who are unclean, those who sacrifice & those who do not.  The same thing happen to a good person as happen to a sinner, to a person who makes promises to HIM & to one who does not.  This is something wrong that happens here on earth.  What happens to one happens to all.  So people’s minds are full of evil & foolish thoughts while they live.  After that, they join the dead.  But anyone still alive has hope.  The living know they will die, but the dead know nothing.  Dead people have no more reward, & people forget them.  After people are dead, they can no longer love or hate or envy.  They will never again share in what happens here on earth.

what today is all about April 26, 2008

… I need to move, I need to wake up, I need to change, I need to shake up, I need to speak out, something’s got to break up, I’ve been asleep and I need to wake up now…

untitled December 10, 2007

You pretend you don’t see me…

You pretend you can’t hear me…

You pretend i didnt matter…

You simply pretend you didnt care…

You pretend your having the time of your life

All tied up, that’s why you suddenly left me out

You pretend its only a game

You’d say when to get in and decide when to get out

I’d say i can see you, hear your voice… a laugh or a two

I’d say you still matter… I’d say I still care

I’d say I am having a good life, not better but this is life

I’d say life is not a game, haven’t u realize… we dont even get a single time-out.

I’d say Life is “not” nothing you can always pretend

If you do that.. wake up your missing a lot.

[ original date of posting nov 5'06]

‘hmm tagal na din pala … i am reposting it for the fact that i was wrong back then.  I didnt made this with the thought of someone in mind but the truth is I was talking about MYSELF after all.

Truth about Me December 10, 2007

• She doesn’t know who she is.

• She forms herself from the opinions of others.

• She sees in the mirror the face of a stranger.

• Who would change this with love.

• Who would show her the person she really is.

• Who would show her the face in the mirror is her.

• Who would show her her beauty,

• Her inner divinity,

• Her glory and wonder.

• And as she protests,

• Place a finger so tender

• Upon her lips.

• To show her the Truth,

• and finally make her Believe.